Rune Factory Parody
by tynytian
Summary: An amnesia victim stumbles into the small village of Kardia. Lulz ensue!


A travel worn man staggered across the border of the Sechs Empire and into the woods south of Kardia, a quaint little village on the brink of annexation. As he hobbled on, too tired to think, his mind went completely blurry and he could do nothing but to continue blindly onward. He finally fell to a cool spring wind from behind, landing before a small house in the woods.

He stirred when he felt a presence next to him. "Are you okay?" asked a voice.

"I've been walking for three days," the man managed to say as he tried to stand.

"My name is Mist," said the beautiful blonde woman in a blue and white dress. She smiled when she saw his face looking back at her.

"I can't remember…" he said.

"Remember what? Your name, who you are?" asked Mist. The man shook his head weakly.

"Anything…"

"OMG!" shouted Mist. The man grimaced at the loud noise.

"What?" he asked.

"Liek OMFG, this is just like all those corny romance comedy anime I've heard of!" The man looked confused. "Y'know, those shows where some loser guy finds a girl, or a robot girl, or an alien, or something stupid to that effect. Anyway, then he has to teach her everything because she doesn't know anything and his pervy friends want him to raise her as a sleazy sex slave that he can bang in the mouth, but instead he falls in love with her and teaches her to be a good girlfriend and stuff. This is just like that, except the other way around and I'm not a loser!" He looked at her dumbfounded, raising a questionable eyebrow. "Does that mean you want to be my sex slave?"

"No!" he shouted before clutching his head and dropping again to a kneeling posture.

"Oh noes! You're prolly sooooo hungry! I'll be right back," Mist said before rushing back to her house. The man blew a sigh of relief. Mist returned shortly carrying a filthy old hoe, with cobwebs trailing off of it and nicks and chips in the wooden handle. "Here you go! Now you can grow some food!" The man took the nasty hoe and stared at it for a second. "BTW, what's ur name?"

"I don't remember," he said again in an agitated tone.

"Oh yeah, that's right!" said Mist as she rapped on her head with her fist. "So, just make something up! What should I call you?" He thought for a moment while looking at the hoe. He thought of how ragged and nasty it looked, so in his hungry stupor he uttered a silly combination of the two adjectives.

"Ragna," he mumbled.

"Ragna? OH I WUV IT!" she said before squeezing him into her chest. He felt comfortable, but angry at the same time. "Oh wait! You need water!" she said, realizing that she had forgotten something else. She promptly pushed him roughly to the ground as she turned back towards her house.

"Yes, water…" Ragna said, feeling very thirsty all of a sudden. His hopes sank when Mist returned with a dirty watering can.

"Here you go!" she said as she handed it to him. Ragna tried to drink from the end of the spout, but Mist slapped the back of his head. "No no, silly! You don't drink from it. You water plants with it!" Mist scolded. "C'mon, I just happen to own a farm I've never used before. You can just have it, but it's pretty run down, though." Ragna sadly followed Mist to a farm conveniently located right behind her house. He almost died when he saw the field's condition.

"Y'see?" Mist asked happily. "All you have to do is clear away all of the loose branches and tree stumps, boulders, and pull all of the weeds. Then you have to till the entire field if you want to marry me!"

"What?" Ragna asked in surprise.

"Oh, nothing," Mist covered. "Then you plant these radish seeds." Ragna looked at the package, which had a picture of what were clearly turnips.

"These are turnip seeds," Ragna pointed out.

"What, Mr. I-can't-remember-a-thingy? Those are radish seeds!"

"Whatever," said Ragna, opting not to argue with an idiot.

"After you plant them, just water them all once a day for four days. Then I can come by and beg for some! I WUV RADISHES!!" After she said that, a bolt of lightning shot down in the field, and out of it came a monster. "OMG, G2G!" Mist then ran to hide behind the ramshackle farmhouse.

"Pssh!" said Ragna in disapproval. He then took up his hoe, the sunlight flashing off of its dull, yet suddenly polished blade in a very stereotypical anime-esque fashion.

"OMG, he did Teh Flash," Mist interjected. "Every otaku know that means that HE means business!"

He deftly chopped the orc's toes off with the hoe. When the monster hopped up and down in pain, it lost its balance from its unaccustomed lack of toes and fell before Ragna's feet. Ragna then raised his hoe once more and brought it down to the orcs neck, decapitating it. As blood gushed from the wound, the body shone with light and shot up into the air, vanishing instantly.

"What just happened?" asked Ragna, his blood pumping and adrenaline fueling his weary body.

"You pwnzord him!" Mist shouted.

"Will I have to kill random monsters on this farm?" he asked.

"No, silly! This isn't one of those Final Fantasy games! Besides, you didn't kill it!" Ragna pointed to his bloody hoe.

"I cut its head off!" he said.

"Noooo," she said while wagging her finger in his face. "Your hoe, as well as every other tool and weapon in Kardia is enchanted with the power known as Retornen," she explained in an annoyingly matter-of-fact tone.

"You made that word up!" Ragna accused.

"Nooo, Marvelous Interactive Entertainment did," Mist corrected. "Anyway, you actually sent it back to where it came from, a place called the 'First Forest'. It kinda sounds like a stupid excuse to avoid a teen rating if you ask me."

"So, where do they come from?" Ragna asked.

"Heck if I know," Mist replied.

"If you know where they're from, you should know how they got here," he reasoned.

"Oh, you mean the monsters!" Mist said. "There are these machines in the mines that create them. I thought you meant the machines themselves!"

"I never mentioned machines," said Ragna.

"Oh, well I must've imagined it then. I sometimes think ahead in a conversation and get ahead of myself. LOL!" At this comment, Ragna began to inch away from Mist in fear of her habit of talking to herself in her head. "I'll be going now. You look tired." Mist said as she turned to leave.

"Actually, I'm hungry and I…" Ragna trailed off after her.

"Ttyl!" Mist said before running off and not letting Ragna finish his sentence. At a loss for words, Ragna sat down in the field and began to eat weeds and yellow grass.


End file.
